What do you do after riding a short-lived marriage to the Italian stallion straight into reality T.V. renown on VH1’s “The Surreal Life?” You pass the time with Flavor Flav, star in a spin-off or two and, eventually make your way to Germany, where you decide to have a little plastic surgery on – you guessed it – reality television. At least that’s the way things go when you’re the six foot tall bleached blonde behemoth known as Brigitte Nielsen.
According to a variety of news reports released yesterday, including this article on the San Francisco Chronicle’s SFGate.com, Nielsen is slated to receive a facelift, breast surgery and liposuction, all of which will air on German television in a four-part series called “Aus Alt Mach Neu” (“Turning Old Into New”). Episode one, which showcased Nielsen receiving liposuction on her hips, sucked in 2.5 million viewers when it aired on Sunday night. Which is pretty impressive, but not nearly as jaw-dropping as Nielsen’s post-production plans.
Now, anyone spending significant time in Hollywood lately can’t help but notice that green is the new black, at least in terms of what’s hip, hot and happening in the Hollywood scene. And, Nielsen must have received the recycling memo, since she is planning to do the responsible thing and ensure that her fat doesn’t go to waste. Instead, the 44 year-old plans to auction off her lipo’d fat to benefit charity. And, after the surgery is finished, she allegedly hopes to pose for Playboy. I’m not exactly sure who that decision is supposed to benefit, but Nielsen does think it’s a fitting way to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the first time she posed for the men’s magazine, back in 1988.
Of course, Neilsen isn’t the first D-lister to show off surgery on the small screen. In 1999, singer Carnie Wilson chose to have her gastric bypass surgery broadcast live on the internet. And, on shows like “Extreme Makeover,” “The Swan” and “Dr. 90210,” bevies of wanna-be beauties broadcast their boob jobs, nose jobs, facelifts, tummy tucks, leg lifts, and the like for the whole world – or at least the not-so-squeamish segment of the citizenry – to see.
Still, there is something strangely surreal about Nielsen’s latest career move. I mean, I know the fact that her last major gig was as a patient on VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew,” but I had no idea that things were so rocky for her. And while, I suppose she should be given a fighting chance to make ends meet by making herself over, I have to say there is something scary about the depths to which D-list celebrities will sink to shore up careers that have probably already been ko’d. Still, as scary as the whole concept in general is, what really frightens me is the fact that 2.5 million people tuned in to watch the fat get sucked off Brigitte Neilsen’s middle-aged hips. Not that my newfound addiction to the Oxygen Network’s “Tori and Dean” is really that much more admirable, but it somehow seems slightly less garish to watch Donna Martin doing the mommy thing than it does to watch Flava Flav’s former fling try to turn back the clock.
Okay, I know I watch a lot of reality television, probably more than is healthy, and definitely more than most people could probably stand. But, I do consider myself a bit of a cable connoisseur, and I certainly have standards when it comes to picking a reality program to spend my precious few hours of free time with. And, I’ve found that when it comes to what is kindly referred to as reality television, I tend to shy away from watching anything too dire or depressing.
I mean, watching LC on “The Hills” lose it every time that the boyishly-charming Brody busts a nut over another woman is sad enough. I don’t really need to see what happens when forty years from now, she’s still pining for the players and wondering why her career has inexplicably gone in the same direction as her sagging skin. It’s not that I don’t wish her well, it’s just that I prefer to watch her when things are going well.
After all, my own life has plenty of day-to-day drama. And, at the end of the day, I don’t watch reality television to see the serious stuff other people are dealing with. I watch it to escape my own serious stuff, to live for a little while in a place where the people are prettier, the budgets are bigger and the lighting is always much more flattering. So somehow, seeing the fat get sucked out of some ‘star’s’ stomach doesn’t quite satisfy my cable cravings. Even if it is going to a good cause.