I recently went through a pretty awkward break-up…with my cell phone. The Sprint Katana and I started out as casual friends, just making local calls and exchanging the occasional text message. She was a simple phone; I was a simple boy; and we liked our arrangement. But after I stared seeing a Garmin GPS device, my Katana unexpectedly offered to link up with us simultaneously-in accordance with the new hands-free driving law, of course. It was pretty awesome, and we stayed safe by using Bluetooth.
Katana and I got pretty hot and heavy after that; we even upgraded to an unlimited text messaging plan to accommodate our burgeoning passion. Alas, as is the case in most doomed relationships, we took each other for granted. Familiarity turned into resentment. I dropped and tossed Katana around with abandon and she retaliated by dropping my calls. By the end, she wouldn’t even let me access my own voicemail. Our satellites of love would never quite triangulate again.
So, I got back into the game and allowed myself to look at some younger, sexier phones that just recently became available. When I am in a relationship, I am definitely a one handset man, so I didn’t even realize the possibilities that had just arrived on the phone scene. I went onto some of the bigger matchmaking sites (CNet, mostly) and found the following most popular ads:
Contessa Crackberry (AKA Blackberry Curve) – Sleek, Type-A phone searches for organized and motivated user to share in personal, financial, and social success. And when Contessa searches for something, she gets what she wants! I will keep you in constant connection with your business associates so you can stay ahead of the pack. Not a great sense of direction, but you should know exactly where you are headed anyway. Likes: brevity and ambition. Dislikes: ambivalence, cheapskates, and guys with big thumbs.
I was impressed by how well Contessa manages all of my information with her constant connectivity, but she seemed a little high maintenance ($325 just to start dating) and uptight for a laid-back guy like me. And her GPS skills stink. So, I moved along.
Ivanna Iphone (AKA Apple iPhone) – Very young, very beautiful phone looking for someone who is easy going and appreciative of aesthetics. I am super adaptable, very web saavy, and totally hands on. Would love to hang out, but I am looking for one thing only: LONG TERM COMMITMENT. I used to have very expensive tastes, but I have toned down a little bit. If you want the best, you’ll see that I should be the apple of your eye.
Whoa…I am only twenty-two years old. Ivanna wants to settle down immediately, with at least a year contract. Plus, her stepfather Alan AT&T and I don’t get along very well. Even though she is gorgeous, I had to turn her down.
She did manage to get me to go on a blind date with her Sidekick named Sabrina (T Mobile’s Sidekick), but she turned out to be even more superficial than Ivanna. She kept flipping up her screen at me and bragging about the celebrities and athletes she hangs out with.
Then there is Anna Android-the mysterious girl of my dreams. After she got profiled in Wired’s June issue, she has been the talk of the town. She isn’t like other phones. In fact, she isn’t a phone at all. She is the new open source operating system being developed by Google, and people treat her like the newest tabloid sensation: everyone sings her praises when she is around and cuts her down with envious speculations behind her back. She’s the system that all of your friends’ phones love to hang out with, the popular and sexy girl with a hundred talents who still manages to be down to earth and accessible.
She is the phone system I can see myself changing my ways for, getting old with, trying new and exciting applications with. She could change my life.
But, the perfect girl always seems far too far away. I am currently seeing a Sprint Instinct on a trial basis. She is much prettier and entertaining than Katana, and I am very happy. But as long as Ms. Android is on the horizon, it may be hard to remain faithful in the future. You can’t always get what you want; but sometimes, you just might find the phone and web service that you need.